I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize