I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Your cock deserves a montage
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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