i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
