Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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