you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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