The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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