Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Randomize
