You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
