She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
