Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
