Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
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