My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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