Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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