Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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