Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
