An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
