i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
