I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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