dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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