im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Randomize
