someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize