Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Randomize