maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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