My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
40s are totally the cure
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
