If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
