I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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