peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
