respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Randomize
