Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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