Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
