update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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