but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
