Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Randomize
