It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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