she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Randomize
