my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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