We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize