Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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