literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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