PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
