dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
