I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
