hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I'm getting married
To pizza
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
