my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
