how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
