walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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