He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
