He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Randomize
