I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
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