just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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