Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I'd cum for enchiladas.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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