One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
