Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
