who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
