He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
