I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
