I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
