captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
