Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
don't judge my taste in strippers
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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