quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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