those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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