yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
